I Never Plan To Marry A Foreigner

Engagement

As an Indonesian woman, I have been in several relationships with Indonesian men during my adult life. But, a relationship is a work in process.

A relationship is a work in process.

Here is an example, my first boyfriend is a Javanese Indonesian and I am a Javanese Indonesian too. You would think that the same tribe, culture, family background, and both with the same religion, we would have an easier relationship because we are coming from the same background, right? Of course not! Because basically, we are not the same person no matter what our background is. Not to mention the age where we had a relationship at that time.

Apart from my love life, I have been working in an international environment all of my life. I have been working with Europeans, Americans, Asians, and Australians for more than ten years. Engage with different people from different nationalities is great. But having a relationship with one sounds more like a recipe for disaster. And I have tried to build a relationship with a foreigner. It’s not easy, at all!

So when I first dated my husband, I didn’t have any expectations. Luckily, so was he! We showed up being ourselves and just talk and talk about what we do, what we like and hate, and what we hope for each of our future (not a future as a couple, but what I want and what he wants). We didn’t meet again after several months from our first date. We talked occasionally when we have time but never said anything about future meet up.

Destined to be together, we met again when I moved to live permanently in Bali. And within weeks, we moved in together. We knew that it’s going to be challenging, so here’s some of what I do to make the relationship works:

1. I read more English books, so I can add up my English vocabulary to communicate better with him.
2. I teach him the Indonesian language and explain the cultural background of some phrases. It’s still a work in process, but he’s getting better.
3. I know we came from different habits, culture, and the way we raised in our family. So whenever we have issues, especially when it comes to something “very culturally”, I’m keeping myself open for a compromising solution that works for both of us.
4. I told him since the beginning that this time is the right time for us to meet because we are older now. I don’t think it’s going to work if we meet when we were in our 20s or 30s.
5. I check our working situation and see if the relationship can get along with that. No matter how much I love him, I prefer to see the possible obstacles and talk about it in advance.
6. When it comes to doing some legal stuff in Indonesia, I treat him like my foreign colleague in the office. I’m being straightforward with the facts and solutions.
7. I initiated the discussion about what I want and what he wants in this relationship.

You probably think that my method is too dominating. I think so too. But my husband is a very open-minded and progressive man. And we are going to enter a long term commitment (being married or not). I guess, the method works for us.

I never plan to marry a foreigner. But I finally learned the most important thing. No matter what background or nationalities you are coming from, problems in a relationship will still be the same. What you need is someone willing to work on that relationship together with you.